Jokes!

Everyone -loves- to laugh (unless you're messed), so we have a section here to post your jokes...basically post a joke you found hilarious, or you made up yourself, and the person below you will rate it and post one of their own. If you're lucky and you find a joke that relates to the joke above you, add it in...

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

If your a blond don't be offended. I'm Blond to haha....really don't be offended.

Pretty cool......How about an okayish funny one to start is up...

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

That is messed up. Okay here's one.

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

This is one of my favorites.

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an IV drip in his arm, and both legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he exclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with monitors and IV's running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape. The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."

These aren't jokes really, just some lines.


Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.


Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.


Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


Ø If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.


Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.


Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left.


Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.


Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.


Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.


Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.


Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.


Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.


Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.


Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".


Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"


Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?


Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.


Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!


Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.


Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.


Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.


Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.


Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.


Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.


Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.


Ø I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.


Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.


Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.


Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.


Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.


Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.


Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

In a club, a man sees a woman sitting alone. He called the waiter to bring the lady the most expensive wine and an invitation for her to join his table. The lady wrote a note saying, "Ill accept this invitation if u have a million dollars, a Mercedes Benz and 5 inches under your pants." Upon receiving the note, the man smiled and wrote back-Actually, I have over a Billion Dollars in my account in two countries. Two Mercedes Benz, a Porsche, a Lamborghini and a Ferrari. However, Ill never undergo an operation 2 cut down 3 inches even for a beautiful lady like you. If you don't mind, please return the wine"

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Brisbane, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:





Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:





Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:





Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, bloody hell!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly wait to get to the 5th!'
So still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:





Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:






Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



-----------------------------
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.



The first floor has wives that love sex.



The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer



The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

A woman walks into a bar and she sees a handsome man drinking a something emerald green. She asked him, "Hello there, mister. What are you drinking?"

He replied, "Oh, nothing. Just a magical drink that makes you fly!" He took a sip and began to fly around the room." She was taken aback and ordered for the same thing.

She chugged it down in a few seconds and jumped off the window. The bartender told the man, "You're a jerk when you're drunk, you know that, Superman?"

Hah, nice posts Safire, heard the last one though, but the others kept me on a laughing streak.

ELEMENT: WOMAN
SYMBOL: WO
DISCOVERER: ADAM
ATOMIC MASS:
Accepted as 53.6 Kg, but known to vary from 40 to 200 Kg.
OCCURRENCE:
Copious quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:

1. Surface normally covered with a painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

Chemical Properties:

1. Has great affinity to gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Uses:

1. Highly ornamental.
2. Can be a great aid in relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

Tests:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Hazards:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be
maintained at different locations as long as specimens don't come
into contact with each other.

Oh yeah...no sexism here's one on men.

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging. Samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by dousing with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

I find the WO one funnier, but...yeah

A blond walked into a bar. She said "Ow."

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Chuck Norris is the only man to punch a cyclops between the eyes.
Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he dares his grass to grow.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: It wouldn't take shit from anybody.
Chuck Norris never needs a flash light, he just stares into the darkness and it moves out of the way.

These are all funny. Lets keep the double and triple posting to a minimum though, the only reason I haven't deleted a bunch is because it doesn't matter much in this thread.


Okay here is one. This one is kinda sexist but funny in a way.

Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie’s lamp.

After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, The Genie said, “I will grant three wishes, one for each of you.”

The first said, “I wish I were smarter.”

So, she became a redhead.

The second blonde said, “I wish I were smarter than she is.”

She became a brunette.

The third blond ordered, “I wish I were smarter than both of them!”

So, she became a man.

A brunette tells a blonde, "Look! A dead bird!" Blonde looks up, "Where?!"

HAhaha....What?



A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.

She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: “You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box.”

The blonde answered, “No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail.”

A blondewalks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book downand screams at the librarian, – “This is the WORST book I’ve everread!” “It has NO plot and far too many characters!” The librarianlooks up and calmly remarks – “So, you’re the one who took our phonebook…”


Food takes 7 seconds to go from the mouth to the stomach. Human hair, takes weight of 3 kilograms. Penis length is three times the length of your thumb. Femur is hard as concrete. Woman's heart beats faster than a man's heart. Women flap their eyes two times more than men. We use 300 muscles just to maintain the balance when we stand. The woman has read this post. The man still stares at his thumb.

Just...this.

lolwhut.

I don't get it??
Looks like a black kid off the the left partially out of frame is that what we're supposed to see or is there something in the red circle???
Guess I won't be shittin bricks any time soon, lol.

I like mine better:

Noo...its because when you focus into the red part, and see the kid it FREAKS you out...did to me .

Yeah I got that, lol. I thought it was a chimp there for a second o.o

I think the demon fog I added into my version was way better than a nosey black kid! Did anyone see it?

I see your fog, but I aint seeing any black kid.
( EDIT ) I get it now! And Im a spartan! THIS IS SPARTA!

Finally, I get it now. ROFLS

I dont get it. I see waht you added, and the kid poking his head around.

Anyway, here is an awsome joke.

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
He bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North .

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call' .

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for .
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God ..

The American thanked the priest and went along his way .

Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was .

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God .

'O.K., thank you,' said the American .

He then travelled all across America , Africa, England , Japan , New Zealand . In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it. .

The American decided to travel to Scotland to see if Scots had the same phone .

He arrived in Scotland and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign .

'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches . I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call . Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Scotland now, son - it's a local call' .

This first one'll take a while to get.



And lastly...

LOL i love the first one. What a win. Lol